𝓤𝓷𝓲𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓝𝓮𝔀𝓼

When Labour announced its flagship “one in, one out” migrant policy, we didn’t know we were supposed to take it literally. But as the wretched plan came into force today it seems that is exactly what we are getting – roughly ONE migrant returned to the welcoming shores of France. And presumably we get ONE “approved migrant” (hilarious!) heading for a town near you, sometime soon.

With their family to follow, naturally… as Article 8 of our sacred Human Rights Act dictates. It would be funny if it wasn’t so damningly, spinelessly weak. Okay, we don’t know the exact figure for sure because our Home Secretary Yvette Cooper won’t tell us how many migrants were being held in immigration removal centres today. But I bet you it’s nearer one than 25,000.

Pressed for a figure, she said: “We will provide regular updates for the public at every stage.” But not at this stage clearly.

It’s the mushroom doctrine of politics – keep the public in the dark and feed them sh*t. Cooper has form for this. Indeed a quick Google reveals these top three headlines:

‘Squirming minister refuses to say whether migrant hotel will be shut amid riot fears’

‘Yvette Cooper refuses to take down webpage promising home and £49 a week to asylum seekers’

‘Yvette Cooper REFUSES to set migration target in stern grilling by MPs’.

You could never accuse our Yvette of being a blabbermouth could you? An obfuscating, dissembling sneak maybe, but never a blabbermouth.

But in truth it’s hard to know whether to accuse her of cover-up and withholding what is clearly public interest information, or plain old rank incompetence because she just doesn’t know the answer to the question.

I’m going to be very Labour egalitarian and suggest it’s a bit of both. It is spectacular that less than 48 hours ago the same Yvette was barracking the police for the deliberate cover-up of the asylum-seeker status of two Afghan men accused to attacking and raping a 12-year-old girl in Nuneaton.

But that is the Labour weathervane – she could see public fury reaching boiling point over Nuneaton and knew she had to be seen to say something placating, whether she believed it or not. She said: “Police forces make challenging and complex decisions on a case-by-case basis and transparency is essential to prevent misinformation and reassure the public.”

Fast forward to today and we are back to dithering and deliberate obfuscation. It is of little matter. The most optimistic estimates suggest around 50 illegal migrants a week “could” be sent back.

And that, just watch, is before our finest grasping, morally bankrupt lawyers start arguing France is no longer a safe country. I know, Provence is such a hell-hole.

We’ve had 25,000 small boat illegal migrants arrive already this year, so frankly it’s all a drop in the Channel anyway. The best case scenario return rate is just 6%.

Or if you prefer, a bloke who has given his life savings to people traffickers, still has a 94% chance of a life courtesy of the British tax payer.

I’d take those odds.

This wretched plan solves nothing.