𝓤𝓷𝓲𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓝𝓮𝔀𝓼

Remember those horrible half-width notebooks we were told to label ‘VOCABULARY’ at school? How we loathed the interminable cycle of learning by heart and testing. Sundays were ruined by the need to write ‘surreptitious’ ‘fascia’ ‘fuchsia’ and ‘desiccated’ out a dozen times apiece to imprint both spelling and meaning in our brains forever.

Numb with boredom, bridling under the burden, I cursed under my breath – in forbidden Anglo- Saxon expletives – the cruel pedagogues who foisted such onerous toil upon me. Why, I wondered, did I need to clutter my eight year old brain with eleven synonyms for ‘hurry’? Wouldn’t the word ‘hurry’ suffice?

Finally, I get it, eat my mealy-mouthed words and belatedly thank my teachers for forcing me to become a human thesaurus. Six hours of live broadcasting on my LBC radio show put me squarely on my mettle. Along with economists, think tank chiefs, taxi drivers and hairdressers, I believed in Rachel Reeves’ £30billion black hole. The abyss felt so vividly terrifying I imagined the UK balancing perilously on its brink before hurtling down into a howling chasm of debt-ridden oblivion.

The Pit of Darkness seemed so menacingly real it invaded my dreams, turning them into rampaging nightmares. Referring to ‘the £30bn black hole’ in interviews with politicians and publicans was as common as mentioning the NHS or cricket score. No-one questioned its existence.

Now we know the OBR, created to ensure fiscal probity, informed the Chancellor the black hole does not exist way back in August, along with the cheering tidings she has £4billion wriggle room. She chose to keep that knowledge so close to her chest no-one had an inkling. As calls jammed our switchboard, I racked my brain for alternatives to the word ‘lie’.

Within minutes I’d used ‘dissemble’ ‘calumny’ ‘deceive’ ‘traduce’ ‘fabricate’ ‘falsehood’ ‘manipulate’ ‘play fast and loose with’ ‘pull the wool over our eyes’ ‘embroider’ ‘obfuscate’ ‘conceal’ ‘conspire’ ‘redact’ ‘mask’ and even ‘tell porky-pies’. Some publications were shrouding the word lies in inverted commas.

Some were shouting LIES in capital letters. Asked point blank by Sir Trevor Phillips if she had lied, the Chancellor, unable to duck a straight question, reluctantly replied: “Obviously not”. Sir Keir Starmer knew what Rachel Reeves knew and didn’t share with the nation yet somehow backed her false narrative.

Let’s give the last words to the Lord. He didn’t pussyfoot around. Here they are: “Thou shall not lie”. End of.