𝓤𝓷𝓲𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓝𝓮𝔀𝓼

“My name is Andy, they say I’m randy, I’m filthy rich too, it comes in handy. For chasing ladies, in far off places, ‘cause I’m a man of so many faces.” Not my words, the words of that super-prescient heavyweight political commentator Captain Sensible. On 1983’s severely under-rated album The Power of Love. Clock that? 1983.

That’s how far back there was something whiffy about the rotter formerly known as Prince, in the eyes of normal people. And by normal people I mean “not politicians”. (Punk aficionados might contest my use of the word “normal” in the context of the Damned guitarist, but don’t let that distract you…)

Yep Andrew ‘Pleb’ Windsor, which is I think is how we are now supposed to refer to him, was appointed the nation’s special representative for international trade and investment under Tony Blair, signed-off by Jack Straw and Patricia Hewitt. Appointed under Labour then.

Which brings me to party grandee Peter Mandelson, the “72-year-old man officers have arrested on suspicion of misconduct in public office”.

Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson was the hapless mug, sorry that should have read the esteemed member of Parliament, wheeled out to defend the Prime Minister today. (You can only imagine the cabinet meetings “oh god, it caaaaaan’t be my turn to defend the idiot again! I did it yesterday!”)

Anyway, on Good Morning Britain she told Ed Balls (oh the irony!) that Keir Starmer’s excuse for appointing Mandelson to probably the highest profile diplomatic role the country has, was “he did not know the full extent” of Mandelson’s friendship with a nonce.

Thereby suggesting of course that there are acceptable levels of nonce friendship. That it’s okay to be pals with a kiddie fiddler up to a point.

But it’s not is it? There is no version of this where being best buddies with the world’s most notorious paedophile is okay. Now, you know this and I know this and I have no doubt Captain Sensible knows this.

So how could the Prime Minister of Great Britain not know this? Because Sir Keir Starmer’s judgement is catastrophic.

In pub parlance, everything he touches turns to… well you know what it turns to.

Just look at the appalling list of appalling judgments:

Local elections – got it wrong.

Chagos Islands – got it wrong.

Digital ID – got it wrong.

Pub business rates – got it wrong.

Farmers’ inheritance tax – got it wrong.

Winter fuel payments – got it wrong.

Welfare reform – got it wrong.

Grooming gangs inquiry – got it wrong.

‘Island of strangers’ horror – got it wrong.

Two-child benefit cap – got it wrong.

WASPI women compensation – got it wrong.

Rights for workers – got it wrong.

I’m sure there are more… but you’ll be getting the idea by now.

There is an election in Gorton and Denton (East Manchester basically – the constituency next to Rayner’s as it goes) on Thursday.

In a sane world Labour would receive zero percent of the vote. And many pundits indeed are telling you Starmer’s party is about to be humiliated.

Don’t be so sure. Longsight, which makes up the biggest chunk of Gorton, is overwhelmingly Asian and poor. And most of those people don’t give much of a stuff about the arcana of Whitehall politics.

They will, sensibly you may think, vote for the softest touch on benefits. And that, as we know, means Labour. And this support is why Labour is attempting to frame an Islam-specific blasphemy law.

Which, if it goes ahead, will swiftly be added to Sir Keir’s “got it wrong” list.