𝓤𝓷𝓲𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓝𝓮𝔀𝓼

Nigel Farage has announced he will quit as an MP for the Clacton constituency – but then immediately announced he would fight for the seat.

All other major political parties, including Labour, the Conservatives, the Liberal Democrats, the Green Party and Restore Britain, have said they will not have a candidate standing in the by-election and so far, Farage’s only opposition is Count Binface.

Facing increasing scrutiny over his finances and a parliamentary investigation, Mr Farage said the “people of Clacton should be the judge of my actions”.

Last November, writer Emilia Randall paid a visit to Mr Farage;s constituency, once again at the centre of a political storm.

“Driving into the desolate seafront car park at Clacton-On-Sea, I was transported back to the gloomy late noughties, when it seemed to rain incessantly, Woolworths shut its doors for good and the high street became a hotbed of despair.

Every aspect of Nigel Farage’s constituency screamed the financial crash of 2009. The abandoned Superdrug store with building materials scattered haphazardly on the pavement, the bustling pubs at 1pm on a Tuesday, and the weary shuffle of its residents – it was all too familiar.

Our first pit stop was a chaotic yet deserted cafe that felt eerily like someone’s living room. The bathroom was littered with towels soaking up unexplained dampness. A supposedly motivational quote next to the mirror was sadly too apt: ‘Smile while you still have teeth!’ as per the Express.

My friend Pierre left in a huff after shelling out £2 for an instant coffee. We then meandered into a charity shop, whose window display resembled more of a crazed patriot’s military wedding than a second-hand clothes showcase.

Replica WW2 uniforms stood tall against frantically arranged national flags. When asked about it, the volunteer said her boss had purchased and set up the entire display himself: “He takes real pride in all that.”

As we escaped Johnny Nash’s ‘I can see clearly now’ echoing through the speakers in one shop, Pierre and I found ourselves trapped in memories of feeling carsick in diesel vehicles, so we quickly moved to the next shop, only to be greeted by the same tune. It felt like there was no escape.

We decided to head towards Clacton’s main attraction – the seafront. As we strolled past the deserted pier, the eerie creaking of rusted rides filled the air, prompting worried glances between us. Despite it being off-season, two food stands were open. I bought a deliciously fluffy doughnut from Anya, a 20-year-old local.

Anya told me: “I like my job, I like seeing the families coming down in summer. Everyone’s happy and that brings me happiness. There are the usual things that are bad about this town, weird people and drunkenness- but the good comes with the bad.”

Another local, Damon, had just left the Old Lifeboat House pub. He doesn’t live in Clacton but has fond memories of bringing his daughters to the beach here. “It’s a nice place really, it’s a bit rundown but most of these seaside towns nowadays are.”

The beach was surprisingly dramatic, with its deep yellow sands dotted with sharp rocks extending into the horizon. We ventured onto the pier hoping to win some 2p coins. It was empty except for a few teenagers, a young couple on a date, and two boys playing pool.

Perhaps Clacton warrants a summer visit, as even its locals seem perplexed about how to occupy their time in early November, insisting that the town truly comes alive on sunny days. As we decided to head home and pulled out of Clacton, the sun reappeared, illuminating the autumnal bronze trees and injecting colour back into our surroundings – much to our relief.”