𝓤𝓷𝓲𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓝𝓮𝔀𝓼

A Westminster insider has lifted the lid on the surreal, chaotic and sometimes farcical reality of life behind the scenes, naming the politicians they would happily share a pint with — and those they would cross the street to avoid. Speaking anonymously, the parliamentary staffer has shared a series of candid recollections drawn from years working in the Palace of Westminster. The comments form part of a forthcoming handbook written under the pseudonym The Secret Staffer, published later this month.

Asked, without naming names or parties, for the most absurd, eye-watering request an MP had ever made, the insider described three incidents: “There was a visit to a hospital and in the changing room, two staffers and the MP were required to change into scrubs. The MP got stuck in his scrubs and the staffer had to weave his way through his chest hair to rescue him from the offending outfit.”

The source recalled another occasion: “An MP who lost his cool about missing the deadline to enter his dog into Westminster Dog of the Year competition… turned up with said pooch to hijack the event.”

A third request was more domestic, as the insider noted: “Another MP asked their staffer to clean out a dirty teapot with a toothbrush to ensure there was no limescale in their daily cuppa.”

The single worst personality archetype currently walking the corridors, the source said, is the Chief of Staff. The source explained: “The role is often occupied by a tween, cos-playing the role of Leo McGarry in The West Wing.

“They have no real-life experience or political nous — and the title is completely tedious and hated by many. It makes a mockery of the whole system and those who have the institutional knowledge and experience of how Westminster really works.”

One of the most chaotic off-the-record crises the insider helped manage involved a false death scare. The insider said: “There was a time when a very well-known beloved national treasure was believed to be on death’s door.

“We had to scramble to create in memoriam content, press releases and speeches just in case they kicked the bucket by the time morning came. Lucky for him he was completely well and fine — we weren’t due to sleep deprivation and embarrassment for being played by mistruths on social media and bad intel.”

When the cameras are off, a few politicians remain recognisably human. The source remarked: “The likes of Gillian Keegan, James Cleverly and Rishi Sunak are all normal and functional human beings.

Fun to chat to, human and just real. You’d have a drink down the pub with them.” By contrast, the insider added: “The furthest away from reality are Rachel Reeves, Ed Miliband and Chris Philp — you’d find it hard to have a normal conversation with them on or off camera.”

If the unedited diary entries of every staffer in Portcullis House were leaked tomorrow, the insider believes the public would be most shocked by “coke parties in the PCH toilets and affairs in shared office spaces.” The Mandelson scandal, they added, “has also raised questions as to the threats from foreign actors and staffers who may not be all that they seem to be.”

On the question of bullying, the source was clear: “There’s a culture of power and control — who has it and how they wield it. Gaslighting is frequent as is the hierarchical system (see the graphic in the book) of who is in charge and the influence that they have.”

A Survival Guide to Parliament by The Secret Staffer is published by Biteback Publishing on 20 August 2026.