𝓤𝓷𝓲𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓝𝓮𝔀𝓼

Well, it’s what our new PM has done. Happily, he’s left a trail of unfunded spending pledges, 5,000 released prisoners and a string of TikTok videos to amuse us in his absence. but I understand he needs a break. He’s had a lot to absorb, having come from nowhere to boot out Keir Starmer and install himself in Downing Street without a vote. You’d need a holiday too. It may not be the best look leaving convicted fraudster Louise Haigh in charge of the country, but it could be worse. He could have left us in the hands of Ed Miliband.

Burnham is only away for a week, while assuring us he’s prepared to come back if needed. Say, if his Instagram feed starts shedding followers. Or the country needs an emergency tweet. In his absence, we can at least admire Labour’s talent pool. The aforementioned ‘Lou’ Haigh is now the power behind the throne, although Number 10 insists she won’t be taking day-to-day decisions in Burnham’s absence. Having looked at the options, I hope nobody is.

I don’t know whether Burnham is good at making prime ministerial decisions. Nobody does. But I wouldn’t trust the rest of them. The Labour talent pool is shockingly thin. The party has 401 MPs, and not one of them was considered fit to become PM. Angela Rayner anyone? Wes Streeting? Ed Miliband? We’ve dodged some bullets there.

Before winning power, Labour railed against Tory corruption. They’ve turned out to be just as bad. Remember homelessness minister Rushanara Ali, who resigned after it turned out she’d made her tenants homeless so she could hike the rent by £700 a month? Or Angela Rayner, who handed Rachel Reeves a shopping list of tax rises while being “careless” with her own tax affairs.

They’ve all gone. Yet somehow Diane Abbott is back, to show Labour is a broad church under Burnham. Broad enough to include an MP who has repeatedly backed murderous Russian tyrant Vladimir Putin over Ukraine.

Burnham has made the brainless Lucy Powell education secretary. Her first move was to blame former Tory education secretary Michael Gove for today’s youth worklessness crisis, even though he presided over the biggest improvement in grades in generations. The reason more than a million young people are struggling to find work is because Rachel Reeves made employing them too expensive. Powell reckons it’s Gove’s fault for making them too clever.

We’ve now had the spectacle of new chancellor John Healey warning retailers against price gouging while admitting he has no evidence they’re doing it. The only gouging I can see is coming from Labour’s endless tax raids. Ed Miliband has gone mercifully quiet. Is he on holiday too? Let’s hope it’s a long one. Lisa Nandy seems to have vanished altogether, amid rumours that she’s “unethusiastic” about her job as culture secretary. I get that. Nobody else is enthusiastic either.

The left is already setting out its demands. It wants Burnham to take on Donald Trump, reopen the Brexit wars, grovel over Gaza, unleash a wealth tax and ignore the bond market to spend like crazy.

I still have faith in Andy Burnham. I’d like to believe him when he promises calmer, more inclusive politics. But first he’ll have to bring his own side into line. That won’t be easy. Leftie columnist Owen Jones was crying betrayal within days. He’s like the first cuckoo of spring. Soon Burnham will be waking to a dawn chorus of far-left critics.

I hope Burnham enjoys his holiday and comes back refreshed. Because he’s got a massive fight on his hands. Not with the Conservatives or Reform. But with Labour. Unless he can keep those lunatics in line, he’s finished.