𝓤𝓷𝓲𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓝𝓮𝔀𝓼

Apparently, Burnham likes to be liked. Nothing wrong with that. Who doesn’t? And he is likeable. Even I can’t help liking him. I’d happily have a pint or two with him. I’m sure he’d be entertaining company. Especially the bit where I ask about his economic plans. That would be hilarious. Because they’re a jumble of half-formed ideas based lifted from whichever left-wing numpty he spoke to last. And when challenged, he’d cheerfully reverse them and get another round in. Anything to stay likeable. Great fun in the pub. A disaster in power.

Burnham is the ultimate people pleaser. Under Tony Blair, he was a Blairite. Blair liked that. Under Jeremy Corbyn, he morphed into a Corbynite. Corbyn liked that too. His bosses were happy, Burnham was happy. But what will Burnham do when he’s the one in charge. Being less toxic than Keir Starmer is a good start, but it’s not enough on its own. Soon, he’ll have to produce some ideas of his own. And I’m not sure he’s got any.

So far, his best-known intervention is suggesting Britain needed to stop “being in hock to the bond market”. Labour activists liked that, because it sounded like a green light to borrow even more money. The bond market didn’t like it. They thought it was the highway to fiscal hell. UK borrowing costs spiked and there was talk of a run on the pound. So Burnham said bond markets were cool with him. Labour activists didn’t like that, but luckily he had another position ready to go.

He realised Labour MPs would like him again if he promised to hike taxes more than Keir Starmer and Rachel Reeves. So out came proposals for a £35billion land tax, a 50% top rate and a massive inheritance raid. But he hit another problem. Voters don’t like paying more tax. And they wouldn’t like Burnham if he tried to make them. So now he’s rowed back on tax hikes, and is noisily pledging tax cuts for pubs instead. People like pubs, and they’ll like Andy Burnham if he saves them.

Burnham also noticed that many voters hate Ed Miliband for shutting down North Sea drilling in the middle of an energy crisis, and buying our energy from murderous dictator Vladimir Putin instead. So Burnham backed drilling. Until he remembered Miliband might not like that. And he needs Miliband to like him, because he’s helping to smooth his path to Number 10. So now Burnham says he has an “open mind”. Adding for clarification: “I don’t have a sort of fixed position.”

But if he was PM, he would need to have a position. Which would it be? Nobody knows. Whatever he ultimately fixes on, a lot of people won’t like it.

On Brexit, Burnham said he wanted to join the EU because lefties liked that. Then he remembered Makerfield voters backed Brexit, and backtracked. He said whatever trans activists wanted to hear until he realised many women wanted to hear the opposite, so he said that too. Angela Rayner told him to oust home secretary Shabana Mahmood, so Burnham agreed she had to go. But Mahmood said she wants to stay, so he said she can. He also supports generous migrant benefits, except when he doesn’t.

I’ve never met Andy Burnham, but if we ever did have a pint, I’d offer him a piece of friendly advice. Don’t run for PM. In Downing Street, you’ll be hated whatever decision you make. And if you don’t make decisions, you’ll be hated even more. Look at Keir Starmer. He can’t make his mind up over anything, and everybody hates him. They’ll hate you too. That’s politics. And you’ll hate it.

If Andy Burnham wants to remain popular, he should stay in Manchester and keep telling the locals he’s from the North. They’ll like that, he’ll like that and so will we. Then we can all carry on liking Andy Burnham and go back to hating Keir Starmer, and everybody’s happy.