𝓤𝓷𝓲𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓝𝓮𝔀𝓼

There’s nothing quite like a major global conflict to get MPs riled. Battle lines have been quickly drawn since the Middle East crisis erupted five days ago and, as you would expect, there’s a Left-Right divide.

Those backing “Inaction Man” Sir Keir Starmer or those demanding a faster, more full-blooded response to an attack on an RAF base. This was in full display during a partisan PMQs, especially on Tory benches, where apoplectic doesn’t even begin to describe it.

To give you a sense of the level of Conservative animosity towards the Prime Minister, I’m going to use my own version of the US military DEFCON alert system.

Five is the least angry, with one being the most.

DEFCON 5: James Cleverly – angry, yes, but bantery kind of angry.

DEFCON 4: Chris Philp – ticked off for being too loud by Speaker Lindsay Hoyle.

DEFCON 3: James Cartlidge – his usual milky white complexion turned to puce.

DEFCON 2: Priti Patel – her scowl could take down errant drones.

DEFCON 1: Andrew Bowie – poor man was incandescent with rage, I’m surprised he didn’t explode.

Quite where Tory leader Kemi Badenoch was on the scale is beyond anyone’s guess.

Eyes gleaming, she seemed to take great joy in slamming Sir Keir for being “pathetic” and “weak” before mocking Labour backbenchers as “orks and goons”. Nah, me neither!

One person she didn’t mention was Sir Winston Churchill, the great wartime prime minister whose name was used by Donald Trump to mock Sir Keir’s dithering response to the crisis.

Instead, it was left to one of her backbenchers, Gareth Bacon, to ask the PM about the UK-US special relationship.

Starmer, attempting to appear statesmanlike and speaking slower than HMS Dragon’s snail-like deployment to Cyprus, had clearly been itching to give his pre-prepared answer.

“American planes are operating out of British bases. That is the special relationship in action,” he warbled, before giving two more examples.

He then added: “Hanging on to President Trump’s latest words is not the special relationship.”

Bowie, tie slightly askew, was virtually unconscious by this stage, his anger sapping all the life from his soul.

With Labour and the Tories slugging it out over Iran and defence funding, or the lack of it, Reform UK barely got a mention – a rarity in these intoxicating days of political defections and humiliating by-election defeats.

Speaking of which, sat on the green benches in front of Nigel Farage and his crew was new Green MP Hannah Spencer, dressed, yup, in green.

The trained plumber, who had earlier joined Hoyle and other MPs in a parliamentary dance-off with Angela Rippon and the Strictly team, must have felt at home with all this hot air engulfing the Commons.

Bowie, on the other hand, needed some of the fresh kind.