𝓤𝓷𝓲𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓝𝓮𝔀𝓼

Kemi Badenoch summed it up perfectly: “Is that it?” she asked Chancellor John Healey after he delivered the most ineffective, cowardly, lacklustre Budget of modern times. “The PM promised to reverse 40 years of neo-liberalism – we got 4p off gherkins,” she mocked. And she was right. This Budget wasn’t about saving a country that’s on the brink. It wasn’t about making like easier for struggling families. This was a selfish, cynical, do nothing, budget for a PM who’s buying time to get ready for his snap election and who’s prepared to sacrifice this country on the altar of his own ego to do it.

Andy Burnham can say ‘til he’s blue in the face that he’s not calling an election – but, as we know, the man lies. Remember he told the people of Makerfield Brexit “was done” when he was begging for their vote? Then back in May he said: “I respect the decision that was made at the referendum. It will undermine everything I have said about strengthening democracy if we don’t respect that vote.”

So, he lied. For him Brexit is nowhere near done. And not only has he disrespected the biggest democratic vote in our history, he’s spitting on it because he’s spent months crawling around EU boss Ursula von der Leyen begging for a deal to get us back into the failing bloc.

And this week’s Budget was yet another betrayal because Burnham isn’t interested in trying to ease the suffering of the British people. He’s not interested in looking for ways to pay down the £3trillion debt or get to grips with welfare or out-of-control immigration. This Budget was him playing politics with our lives and buying what Healey kept calling “breathing space” so that he could get his election plan in place. In simple terms he didn’t want the budget to scare the horses – and the horses are us.

And he’s been aided and abetted in that by the treacherous Healey who was out celebrating after his useless little Budget playing drinking games when he should have been writing his resignation letter citing dereliction of duty and principals as the reason. Because Healey dodged this country’s biggest problems in order to suck up to his useless boss and facilitate his dream (our nightmare) of ten years in power.

Never mind that Britain is on a fast track to oblivion, our Chancellor thought it more prudent to kowtow to his boss’s political ambitions than come up with a credible fiscal plan to save us. He had no proper plan for surging energy prices or the cyberwar we’re told is coming. There was no plan to get to 3% of GDP for Defence. He just threw out a few crumbs which will help nobody in the long term.

What he did do was deliver a punishment beating to savers, those people who’ve worked hard and done everything right so as not to be a burden on the state, by adding another 2% tax to the profit on their savings – money they’ve already paid tax on. And he’s hitting the banks with even more taxes which will make it harder for the rest of us to get loans and mortgages because the banks will pass the costs on to us. Does Healey not know that, for all their faults, banks actually drive the economy?

So, look what he does when our economy is downgraded to 1% growth next year – he hammers them with a spectacular own goal. So as living standards plummet, as the housing market heads for a crash, as 1,000 people every day sign on for sickness benefits, the cost of which hit £100BILLION by the end of the decade, as the interest on our national debt hits £130BILLION a year, Healey serves up a 4p saving on gherkins.

And just 24 hours after his Budget, analysts have hammered it saying the £33billion in stealth taxes the Government will raise through will be immediately wiped by the rocketing benefits bill. Are you terrified? If you’re not, you should be. Because straight after this shambolic Budget the IMF said it would be responsible for a decade of pain for British people and that Healey’s “unhelpful fiddling” would mean the worst growth in household incomes since records began”

How the hell do Burnham and Healey sleep at night?

This is the outfit 68-year-old Madonna wears to flog her new range of candles – one of which is strategically placed in front of her crotch. Really? At 68 isn’t it time she gave the sex kitten act a rest because it’s all looking a bit desperate. And if this is what she wears to sell candles, God knows what she’d be sporting to sell underwear.

Is £135million not sexy enough for you, Jen?

Jennifer Lawrence says she’s had a boob job because she wants to be a “sexy Mum when dropping off her kids”. “I want to look like a woman who’s got her s**t together even when I’ve just woken up and don’t have my s**t together.”

I’m just wondering how having perky boobs at the school gates makes her look like she’s got her s**t together. Surely her £250million fortune does that?

Radio daze

As we’re all prepping for Doomsday, why is everyone busting a gut to get their hands-on wind-up radios? Why aren’t battery ones good enough? And still on wind-up radio – does listening to Radio 4’s Today programme not constitute wind up radio?

A new poll says women want blokes who are in touch with their emotions, not six-pack, alpha males. Those polled said they’d choose Harry Styles over Jason Statham. Really? I’m not sure I’d want to be dating a bloke who wore feather boas and pearls when we went out for dinner.

Nothing to do with blokes wearing women’s stuff, jewellery or a bit of lippy. More to do with how much time they’d spend in front of the mirror getting ready to do out. Women know how long it takes to get an outfit together. Who wants to be with a man who takes longer?

This isn’t anxiety, it’s just laziness!

According to a new survey, eight out of ten people suffer from “laundry anxiety” (under Labour they can probably claim disability benefit for it) and are too scared to wash their favourite clothes in case they ruin them. Some even admitted they’d never even put their jeans in the wash (yuk!).

A spokesman for the Samsung survey said: “Most of us have items left hanging in the wardrobe because we dread the washing guesswork.”

There’s no guesswork numpty. Every item of clothing has clear washing instructions stitched inside. This is laziness (and dirtiness) pure and simple and I’m guessing the 2,000 people polled were Gen-Zedders who have turned anxiety (and laziness) into a fine art.

The work’s rolling in for Meghan

Remember when she’d just got engaged and Meghan was telling us all how she was going to save the world’s poor and needy, empower women, devote her life to people less fortunate? Well, her big career announcement this week is that she’s going to be co-hosting Junior MasterChef in Australia. So hang on, not even grown-up Master Chef and not even main host – she’s co-hosting the kiddies’ show in a country of just 28million people?

So, what about all the stories Team Sussex are putting out that Megan is being bombarded with fabulous film and TV scripts? Are things really that bad she has to go to a different hemisphere for work?