𝓤𝓷𝓲𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓝𝓮𝔀𝓼

His beloved Arsenal may have won the Premiership but Sir Keir Starmer has been relegated. He is now in the injury time of his tenure as Prime Minister and pretty much everyone can’t wait for the final whistle to be blown. Please excuse the repeated metaphors but it was a football-heavy Prime Minister’s Question’s this week. He kicked-off… ooops, sorry… with a gag about one of Manchester’s great heroes – Pep Guardiola, not Andy Burnham – moving on after almost a decade.

Fanboy Keir then joked he had an interest to declare, as per parliamentary rules, paying tribute to the Gunners for winning their first title in 22-years. With the frivolities out of the way it was back to business as usual.

Kemi Badenoch duly went in two-footed (there I go again) as she tore into the Labour leader over North Sea drilling, nationalising steel, supermarket price controls and the government’s shonky decision to loosen Russian oil sanctions.

Mrs B hit the back of the net, blasting: it’s like the Soviets won! The north London Socialist must have had Communism on his mind when accidentally boasting to the Commons that he had secured a trade deal with North Korea.

After Lib Dem leader Ed Davey had finished cheering everyone up with a question about Ebola, Sir Keir returned to his magic bag of footy jokes. Labour’s Chris Vince set the Prime Minister up with an open goal (I promise that’s the last one) when he raised the plight of Harlow Town Football Club going in and out of administration.

Starmer responded gleefully, again waxing lyrical about Arsenal and said the government is helping football clubs from Harlow to Wigan – funnily enough, the closest team to a certain Makerfield constituency.

He was on a roll now, firing off a volley (sue me) of gags about Zack Polanski living on water and not paying his taxes.

As PMQs wound down, Sir Keir was shown the Red card by arch-nemesis Karl Turner who accused him of knowing about hostile smears over his mental health from No 10 during a question about jury trials. The Labour leader brushed it aside, prompting Mrs Badenoch to mouth “He can’t even say sorry”.

It was the turn of former Health Secretary, Wes Streeting, to strut his stuff later in the day when he delivered a passionate resignation speech in the Chamber.

With Burnham appearing at a building conference in Leeds it felt like a score draw between the two wannabe Labour leaders. As for Starmer, “the rivals are on the pitch, they think it’s all over….”